In the arms of an Angel

"An angel in the book of life, wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she shut the book, too beautiful for earth" ~ Unknown


I wanted to write a blog about my precious Angel Stefanie. It's been almost two years since we lost her and it still feels like just yesterday. I don't think I've ever explained her birth and even though her time spent on earth was short, she impacted many lives.

Anthony and myself wanted (more) children since the minute we started dating. Myself already having a child was ready for another, and Anthony not having a child of his own was eager to start a family. We had decided two years before becoming pregnant with her that we would let God decide if we were ready to take the next step. For two long years we waited for the test to read positive, but it never happened. I was beginning to think something was wrong with one of us, or both.

I moved out of my parents house late October of 2008, it was so hectic. We did not get enough time to plan and nothing went the way it should have. After moving with Anthony I started to feel sick and sore. I blew it off as normal pains and nerves. I missed my period, but that wasn't unusual at all. Then something happened that made me think, take a pregnancy test. I coughed and got this feeling in my lower stomach as if someone stabbed me. If you've ever been pregnant you can relate to this feeling. If you haven't been I was feeling my muscles stretching making room for the baby. Took the test and it was positive! I was overcome with joy and a little worried because we had just decided it was a good idea to wait a little longer. Well, Stefanie had different plans!

I had a normal pregnancy with her. I didn't end up at the hospital for any problems, like I did with Christian a couple times and Nicholas. Christian's pregnancy was scary and as you've read in my post's was Nick's. I can say that her pregnancy was the best, other than she is the only baby who gave me horrible morning sickness on and off through my 32 weeks of being pregnant with her.

At 18 weeks we went for our gender sonogram. The tech was very adamant that she was a boy. She said without a doubt definitely a boy. We had no reason to not believe them. Even the doctor who read the sonogram agreed it was a boy. For months we planned for a Carter, bought all boy clothes, blankets and bedding. At 32 weeks they sent me for another sonogram to make sure "Carter" was growing properly. We went to a different hospital this time because they offered a 3D sonogram. We told the tech all about Carter and how we were happy to being having another boy. She did my sonogram and asked me how set I was for a Carter? I didn't answer and I knew what was coming next. She said I'm almost positive he is a she! Holy cow! What the heck did we get our selves into! She didn't say for sure, but that we should consider bringing some girl clothes to the hospital when I deliver. The next day I called my doctor (as instructed by the hospital after my sonogram) we went over the sonogram and the suppose gender. She said that she wanted me to go back because they had some trouble viewing the stomach, and he was probably in a bad position. She scheduled me for another sonogram in two days. We have our sonogram and Carter was really showing his or her parts! Definitely without a doubt 100% GIRL! Again holy cow! Now we have lot's of exchanging to do and new names it was really over whelming. But I was getting a girl, I could believe it.

The day of May 9th 2009 (two days after finding out it was a girl) was a pretty crappy day. I had been feeling poorly and spent the majority of the day relaxing between the couch and the computer chair. I updated my baby registry, went through some clothes, took pictures of the new girl outfits I had gotten and sent them to my mom. Picked out an outfit for her to wear home. She was due around the 4th of July, and I found a cute lady bug red white and blue dress. Anthony came home from work and we set out to do some more shopping and exchanging boy clothes. My dad asked us to come over for soup and sandwiches. We went to dads after shopping and he realized we should get some more buns for sandwiches. So me and Anthony headed up to shop and save and that's when light contractions hit me. I deemed them as braxton hicks, I had been having them here and there since around 26 weeks. In a matter of about a half hour they went from light contractions to stronger and closer together. I told Anthony I was glad to be having an appointment on Monday to talk to the doctor about these braxton hicks, they had never been this strong. As we were heading back to my dads I started timing my contractions, and feeling my belly to see if it was getting tighter. Contractions were about 8 minutes apart and my stomach was getting tight with each one. I decided to give Dr. Ciocca a call. He told me to head down to the hospital. I asked him it was okay for me to have a sandwich or two because I hadn't had dinner yet, and maybe that is why I'm feeling so crappy. He encouraged me to sit down and have some water and a light meal, if they didn't stop to head to the hospital. I did what he asked and nothing changed, so we headed down. On the drive down I wasn't really worried, I figured it was annoying braxton hicks. The closer we got to the hospital the closer and more painful contractions became. They threw me in a bed and started watching the baby and contractions. I was definitely and dilated two centimeters, I was in earl labor. They gave me some medication to stop the labor, and it did stop. I found it really odd that the nurse kept repositioning the heart monitors. Every time she'd find her, they monitor would read a low heart rate or no rate at all. They brought in two machines and both were reading the same results. She quickly left the room and called the doctor. He got there really quickly and read the results. He pointed out how the babies heart rate has "flat lined" several times, and they know it isn't a faulty machine. Then he said we need to deliver right away. I was concerned about being in a hospital without an NICU and asked if there was any way I'd make it to Pittsburgh, he said I was hoping that was going to be an option, but at this point there isn't enough time. Prepping for surgery was on now. Everyone scattered I called everyone to get down to the hospital now, baby is coming. I didn't mention what was happening. I didn't have time we had to get IV's started and in surgery. They called life flight and asked who our pediatrician would be. At this point I hadn't met the pediatrician who was coming, the one who we were going to go with wasn't apart of this hospital. They gave us a choice and once I heard Dr. Gehorge I didn't think twice. I had my doctor standing over me and another doctor who would be either putting me to sleep or giving me a spinal. He said he wanted me asleep, I said NO! Please, do not put me to sleep. Luckily my OB agreed I should be awake for this. I'm thankful I was because I couldn't imagine waking up to such news. We got into surgery. I kept waiting for a cry. Anthony was next to me, and a lot of time had passed and I said is she out? And he looked down at me and said she's been out for a while. That's when I knew. We'd been in surgery for a long time now, I haven't head a cry, and there was a doctor on speaker phone who asked is the mother awake? They said yes, she said get me off speaker NOW! I started praying harder, crying and begging God to save my little girl. I closed my eyes and prayed, I may have prayed out loud I'm really not sure. Then someone, I'm not really sure who. Held my hand and said Melissa, I'm sorry. We couldn't save her. I'm not sure what happened after that. I really don't remember. I only remember being handed my daughter. I remember when I was in recovery and when Pam walked into the room. I looked at her and said Mom, what do I do? I don't remember what she said. I think she said nothing. We passed her around the room to her family members. All whom have been waiting for her arrival for so long. She was so perfect, someone refereed to her as a baby doll, because she was that perfect. She had a head full of dark black curly hair, Anthony's tan skin, a cute little button nose and my lips. My dad asked what her name was? I looked at Anthony and said Stefanie, Stefanie Nicole. He said yes. My dad picked that name just a few days ago, and we liked it. My dad spent so much time with her. He carried her around just talking. He told her about everything. We all told her things. It was getting late and everyone was ready to head home, it had been too long of a night for everyone. It was time for them to rest, I'm sure they didn't. Anthony and I had asked everyone to give us some time alone with Stefanie. We needed to say goodbye alone. We laid in my bed, cuddled just us three, cried and prayed. I really wanted Christian there, but I didn't want him to remember his sister this way. Her body was cold and her lips were turning colors. He was only five and didn't need to experience this, I pray he never does. Everyone came back in our room and a nurse brought in a dress and some Holy Water and we baptized her. We sent her soul with the Lord and I know she is in the best home anyone could ever give her. I don't believe he took her away from me. She served her purpose in life and ended early, it was time to go home. I know she watches over her brothers and family. I know that some day I will get to hold her again. I'll be able to rock her and kiss her forehead again. I need to serve my purpose in life before I can do that. I want to end this blog with this: Take nothing for granted. Hug and kiss your babies often and always tell them you love them, sneak into their rooms at night and kiss their forehead, cover them up to make sure their warm, and whisper you love them. They hear you. Evey night I do this, and every night I will until they fly my nest. And even then I might break into their homes for one last kiss good night.

Thank you for reading my blog. Now we're the tissues :')

Stefanie weighed 3lbs 15ozs. Was born at 11:08 pm on May 9, 2009. At 32 weeks gestation.

To add. We aren't sure why she passed so suddenly. It is believed that her esophagus didn't form causing her to be unable to swallow any fluids, and flip over causing the cord to wrap around her neck. The came to this because after reading both sonograms they were unable to view her stomach.