I watched a video on baby loss. I kind of want to rewrite my own version.
People asked me all the time how are you feeling? To most people I'd say I'm alright. Moving on. Or how I have Christian to get me though, thank God for him. But the truth of the matter is I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling. How am I supposed to be feeling after I've just lost my baby? How am I supposed to be feeling after leaving the hospital with only her blanket a hat and a few photo's. I look in the mirror and see a scar on my tummy and I'm only reminded of that night. Or how every day I walk into my bed room and see her tiny urn resting on my dresser. Or how I came home to her beautiful clothes folded neatly in the dresser. The one special outfit that I picked the day she passed away as her going home outfit. I never really know how I'm supposed to feel. I often wondered if I was crying too much? Or not enough? Did I do something wrong that caused her to leave this earth so quickly.
How do you simply go on when everyday you wake up and see the empty bassinet? The clothing, blankets, and hats. How do you go back to "normal" when the only normal you've ever known will never be the same. How do you process all the why's and what if's that pour though your mind.
I see toys like barbies and baby dolls and know my baby will never play with them. I see little girls paint their mommies finger nails and know these finger nails will never be painted by her. I often find myself wondering what my baby would be like if she was here, growing up, with her family. What it would have been like to hear her say I love you Daddy. Would she have loved the color pink just like her Mommy? Or would she enjoy tossing a ball, just like her Brother? Would she have sat watching the big game rooting for the Steelers, just like her Daddy. What would be favorite animal or her favorite movie. When I wake up and see the sun shinning, I realize that the world is still going on. The sun will always rise and set as if nothing ever happened. But I know it is good that life will go on. I know that my life is so much a part of other peoples lives. My husband, Christian, my family and friends. I couldn't simply climb into a hole and stay there forever.
How am I doing? I'm learning to live with the internal pain of life and death that will never leave me. I'm learning to see things more clearly. I'm learning to not take my life for granted. Or my children for that matter. I'm realizing that they need me just as much as I need them. I'm here for them. I'm learning to capture each moment like the next one will never come. I am so thankful to those without you our tragedy would have been unbearable. Thank you to everyone who was around me to hold my hand and catch my tears. While my emotions only make me human. I do believe in God's plan for me and my family. I trust that he takes wonderful care of my baby, and will until I get there to help.
On Monday will be Stefanie's 2nd birthday. A family tradition that we started was to send balloons into heaven. One balloon for each year she is. I'm sure Christian will write a card to send along with his balloon. When Nicholas is older I'm sure he will too. In the balloons we add "Angel dust". Simply fake snow and glitter. Last year Christian used a piece of gold ribbon to tie to the end of his balloon. He kept a piece of that ribbon.
It seems the older your baby gets the more people seem to forget. Maybe it's not that they forgot, maybe they know how painful it is to bring up? We have to remember they're grieving too. There is no worse pain then the pain of losing a child. From the day I lost my daughter and for the rest of my life I will not take life for granted. We are not promised everyday. So, treat each moment as if it's your last. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Hug and kiss your babies as much as possible. Capture each moment! They'll thank you for loving them so much when they're older.
Thank you for reading my blog.
