I watched a video on baby loss. I kind of want to rewrite my own version.
People asked me all the time how are you feeling? To most people I'd say I'm alright. Moving on. Or how I have Christian to get me though, thank God for him. But the truth of the matter is I don't know how I'm supposed to be feeling. How am I supposed to be feeling after I've just lost my baby? How am I supposed to be feeling after leaving the hospital with only her blanket a hat and a few photo's. I look in the mirror and see a scar on my tummy and I'm only reminded of that night. Or how every day I walk into my bed room and see her tiny urn resting on my dresser. Or how I came home to her beautiful clothes folded neatly in the dresser. The one special outfit that I picked the day she passed away as her going home outfit. I never really know how I'm supposed to feel. I often wondered if I was crying too much? Or not enough? Did I do something wrong that caused her to leave this earth so quickly.
How do you simply go on when everyday you wake up and see the empty bassinet? The clothing, blankets, and hats. How do you go back to "normal" when the only normal you've ever known will never be the same. How do you process all the why's and what if's that pour though your mind.
I see toys like barbies and baby dolls and know my baby will never play with them. I see little girls paint their mommies finger nails and know these finger nails will never be painted by her. I often find myself wondering what my baby would be like if she was here, growing up, with her family. What it would have been like to hear her say I love you Daddy. Would she have loved the color pink just like her Mommy? Or would she enjoy tossing a ball, just like her Brother? Would she have sat watching the big game rooting for the Steelers, just like her Daddy. What would be favorite animal or her favorite movie. When I wake up and see the sun shinning, I realize that the world is still going on. The sun will always rise and set as if nothing ever happened. But I know it is good that life will go on. I know that my life is so much a part of other peoples lives. My husband, Christian, my family and friends. I couldn't simply climb into a hole and stay there forever.
How am I doing? I'm learning to live with the internal pain of life and death that will never leave me. I'm learning to see things more clearly. I'm learning to not take my life for granted. Or my children for that matter. I'm realizing that they need me just as much as I need them. I'm here for them. I'm learning to capture each moment like the next one will never come. I am so thankful to those without you our tragedy would have been unbearable. Thank you to everyone who was around me to hold my hand and catch my tears. While my emotions only make me human. I do believe in God's plan for me and my family. I trust that he takes wonderful care of my baby, and will until I get there to help.
On Monday will be Stefanie's 2nd birthday. A family tradition that we started was to send balloons into heaven. One balloon for each year she is. I'm sure Christian will write a card to send along with his balloon. When Nicholas is older I'm sure he will too. In the balloons we add "Angel dust". Simply fake snow and glitter. Last year Christian used a piece of gold ribbon to tie to the end of his balloon. He kept a piece of that ribbon.
It seems the older your baby gets the more people seem to forget. Maybe it's not that they forgot, maybe they know how painful it is to bring up? We have to remember they're grieving too. There is no worse pain then the pain of losing a child. From the day I lost my daughter and for the rest of my life I will not take life for granted. We are not promised everyday. So, treat each moment as if it's your last. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Hug and kiss your babies as much as possible. Capture each moment! They'll thank you for loving them so much when they're older.
Thank you for reading my blog.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Your baby can read....Really?
March 1, 2010
So, yesterday I was walking around Walmart looking for who else, my boys. Never seems to fail I always lose them. As usual my 8 year old has to visit every bathroom known to man. Many times we know he doesn't have to go, but he has a huge melt down. Honestly how do we know he really doesn't have to go? Unfortunately he's learned that line. Anyhow, I'm way off subject here. I went to the toys hoping I'd find them there. While there I came across the "Your baby can read" videos or are they books, I really don't know. I took a quick look at the box and thought to myself what a waste of money. I can only imagine how many first time parents have bought into this. In all honestly had I been a first time mother I may have thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread. Since I've been around the block more than once I can see what my baby really needs to what will just end up in my way to eventually be buried in the bottom of the toy box and then being sold at the next yard sale for 75% less than I paid for it. I have to wonder why parents these days are so quick to have their kids reading? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but what is wrong with babies and toddlers learning on their own level and pace?
Take Christian for example. He is a fantastic reader reading at about a 4th-5th grade level, according to tests his school has preformed on him. He didn't start reading until the summer before Kindergarten. When he started actual taught reading he did very well. And it's not because anyone forced him to learn. The thing is I wasn't actually teaching him what the letters on the page spelled or meant. I started reading to him at a very young age. Young meaning weeks old. He liked being talked to, so when I was reading a magazine or the "parenting book" I was reading it out loud for him to hear. It soothed him even though he didn't understand a word I was saying. As he got older we bought him books of his own and by the time he was a year old he was speaking in sentences and could tell us what he wanted. At a little over a year he would be able to pick out his favorite book and bring it to someone to read to him. He to this day still does that. It's kind of amazing that something like that has stuck with him over the years. He wouldn't be able to remember doing something like that being he was so young. He still would like to curl in my lap and suck his thumb while I read him a story, and eventually falling asleep.
I'm not saying that the Your baby can read system is a waste of money for everyone. Because I really can't review something I haven't ever tried. Chances are we won't be trying it because I believe Nicholas will learn to read when he is ready. I believe that kids should be kids and they will go to school for the next 18+ years why not enjoy them while you can? This blog has prompt me to do a little research on the system to see if it actually works. I read to Nicholas just like I did with Christian. The cool thing is Christian reads to Nicholas more than I do. Not only are they both learning, but Christian is doing his nightly reading for school.
So, yesterday I was walking around Walmart looking for who else, my boys. Never seems to fail I always lose them. As usual my 8 year old has to visit every bathroom known to man. Many times we know he doesn't have to go, but he has a huge melt down. Honestly how do we know he really doesn't have to go? Unfortunately he's learned that line. Anyhow, I'm way off subject here. I went to the toys hoping I'd find them there. While there I came across the "Your baby can read" videos or are they books, I really don't know. I took a quick look at the box and thought to myself what a waste of money. I can only imagine how many first time parents have bought into this. In all honestly had I been a first time mother I may have thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread. Since I've been around the block more than once I can see what my baby really needs to what will just end up in my way to eventually be buried in the bottom of the toy box and then being sold at the next yard sale for 75% less than I paid for it. I have to wonder why parents these days are so quick to have their kids reading? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but what is wrong with babies and toddlers learning on their own level and pace?
Take Christian for example. He is a fantastic reader reading at about a 4th-5th grade level, according to tests his school has preformed on him. He didn't start reading until the summer before Kindergarten. When he started actual taught reading he did very well. And it's not because anyone forced him to learn. The thing is I wasn't actually teaching him what the letters on the page spelled or meant. I started reading to him at a very young age. Young meaning weeks old. He liked being talked to, so when I was reading a magazine or the "parenting book" I was reading it out loud for him to hear. It soothed him even though he didn't understand a word I was saying. As he got older we bought him books of his own and by the time he was a year old he was speaking in sentences and could tell us what he wanted. At a little over a year he would be able to pick out his favorite book and bring it to someone to read to him. He to this day still does that. It's kind of amazing that something like that has stuck with him over the years. He wouldn't be able to remember doing something like that being he was so young. He still would like to curl in my lap and suck his thumb while I read him a story, and eventually falling asleep.
I'm not saying that the Your baby can read system is a waste of money for everyone. Because I really can't review something I haven't ever tried. Chances are we won't be trying it because I believe Nicholas will learn to read when he is ready. I believe that kids should be kids and they will go to school for the next 18+ years why not enjoy them while you can? This blog has prompt me to do a little research on the system to see if it actually works. I read to Nicholas just like I did with Christian. The cool thing is Christian reads to Nicholas more than I do. Not only are they both learning, but Christian is doing his nightly reading for school.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Welcome Christian!
Since I've blog about Nick I think it's fitting for Christian to have his own story too! :)
I'll start from the very beginning!
I was 15 years old when I had Christian. Yeah, crazy I know! I guess I can say I was a irresponsible teenager with a little too much time on my hands, but if I decided to find something to do, I wouldn't have the very best kiddo in the entire world. I was a good kid. I didn't get myself into the drug or drinking scenes, I was a family person, it's in my blood.
Christan had a normal pregnancy. I had a few problems that landed me in the emergency room a couple times. I had gone to the doctors on December 12th and the doctor said I was starting to dilate. And we would probably be having a New Year's baby! She did a sonogram and it showed him taking practice breaths (that is too cool!). Late afternoon on December 14, 2002 is when my life started to change. I started feeling contractions. He wasn't due until January 12, 2003 so I was a little worried because it wasn't time yet, and the doctor was thinking it'd be at least two more weeks until he made his appearance. Well, as you know my children just don't want to stay in for as long as their supposed to. I don't know what it is about these kids, they just can't wait to meet me! I talked to my doctor and she had me head to the hospital. I was dilated 5 centimeters and in labor. Having the sonogram just a few days ago showing he was taking practice breaths there was no reason to try and stop labor. I was hoping and praying to be one of those women who would have an easy fast birth. I'm not so lucky. His labor was long! Twenty four hours long. But then again I don't have much to compare too. The hours passed. Dilation seemed to stand still. I went some 7 hours stuck at 5 centimeters. They started medications and decided to break my waters. The minute she broke my water it started. I thought the contractions were bad before I was sadly mistaken. I was really set on having a natural birth, I was pretty bummed about having the meds, having my water broke and was going to at least stick with no epidural. Maybe five hours later I just couldn't handle it anymore. It was just too much. My doctor said you really should get the epidural because you're back to slow dilation again. I gave in, it was just too much. I was only draining myself and wouldn't be strong enough to deliver. I am glad I got the epidural. I was able to rest my body. My epidural started to slowly wear off and the nurse checked and I was ten centimeters dilated! Again, I think I'm so sort of super women. I'm going to push this baby with no problems. Wrong. Basically it's like trying to squeeze a watermelon though a key hole. After about 45 minutes, Christian Xavier was born at 2:02 pm on December 15, 2002. Weighing 7lbs 0ozs 22 1/2 inches long. With blonde hair, blue eyes, and screaming. That boy could whale. They placed him on my chest and any and everything in that room was blank. I was focused on Christian. I kissed him and kept him warm, and tried calming him down. He was so messy and I helped them clean him off. Then they whisked him away to be weighed and double checked, remember he's 4 weeks premature. If you remember in my blog about Nicholas all I was concerned about was how much he weighed. With Christian I kept asking for him back! He check out alright he had just a little trouble holding his body temperature, so they wrapped him up tight and I tucked him under my gown. He was just perfect all around. And such a good baby. He really didn't complain much. He didn't mind having a bath, or being changed, he liked to be naked actually. He didn't even cry when they pricked his heel for some blood before we went home!
We stayed at the hospital an extra day because after all he was early. But he definitely didn't act premature at all. He had plenty of visitors and the nurses raved at how wonderful of a baby he was. I was complemented on my age, how I didn't act 15 years old. Told me how they've had 30 year old women come no where close to me. That encouraged me. I had so many people insist I could not make it as a mother. There is just something about the birth of your child that you instantly know what to do. I had been around many of babies before Christian was born, and never knew half the things I knew until he was born. It was like information flooded into my head that very day.
They sent us home after 3 days and it was such a beautiful day. The sun was shinning on this chilly winter day. We had gotten a lot of snow in the time we'd been in the hospital. I remember putting this teeny baby in this huge snow suit. It didn't seem so big when I bought it! We packed our bags and off we went to start our journey as Mother and Son. When I stepped into my living room at home is when fear hit me. I was now alone (other than mom and dad), no nurses or doctors to call on when I need help or have a question.
Christian was a great sleeper, I took off his snow suit and laid him in his bassinet my parents had set up in the living room. While he slept I put all his things away and dirty laundry in the wash. He'd gotten lot's new clothes, toys and the hospital loaded us up with freebies :) I wanted to wake him up so bad, but I kept telling myself to never wake a sleeping baby. You guessed it I picked him up. He woke briefly and fell back to sleep, that boy loved to sleep! He woke up when he was hungry and needed cuddled. He never complained when he had a dirty diaper so we were always checking him. Christian is hands down the best baby I have had. He was and still is so laid back. He was happy to just sit and listen to me talk, loved to hear the hair dryer or sweeper running. Loved to take a bath and still does.
Our first night at home. It's funny how I remember this as if it happened yesterday. I was ready for bed and he was sleeping so I took him to our room and laid him in his crib. He slept a couple hours and woke up ready to eat, of course his days and nights are mixed. I'm paying for thinking how wonderful it is that he sleeps so well! Eventually he fell back to sleep, but the second I laid him in his crib he started to cry until I held him again. I thought oh no! He wants to be held all the time. That wasn't the case at all. He wanted to be on his belly. He wouldn't sleep on his back. I was a bundle of nerves because the hospital kept telling me "back to sleep" to prevent SIDS. So I kept waking every few minutes to listen for breathing and his scratching on the sheets.
He slept through the night at about a month old. Crawled early, walked late. He got his bottom two teeth first and rather his front two teeth he got his fangs. So for Halloween he was a vampire. Who would have thought 8 years ago he'd think vampires were cool and drags me to see the Twilight saga films. Christian is a great kid, a fantastic brother, he has a heart of gold, loves his family and friends, super smart, and handsome. He has a 4th-5th grade reading level and he is in 2nd grade! I'm so proud of him and I can't wait to see what he becomes, because I just know it will be something amazing. My only wish is to be able to go back to the day he was born and relive it even if it's just once. It is the very moment my life began. Oh and I would have taken more pictures :)
I'll start from the very beginning!
I was 15 years old when I had Christian. Yeah, crazy I know! I guess I can say I was a irresponsible teenager with a little too much time on my hands, but if I decided to find something to do, I wouldn't have the very best kiddo in the entire world. I was a good kid. I didn't get myself into the drug or drinking scenes, I was a family person, it's in my blood.
Christan had a normal pregnancy. I had a few problems that landed me in the emergency room a couple times. I had gone to the doctors on December 12th and the doctor said I was starting to dilate. And we would probably be having a New Year's baby! She did a sonogram and it showed him taking practice breaths (that is too cool!). Late afternoon on December 14, 2002 is when my life started to change. I started feeling contractions. He wasn't due until January 12, 2003 so I was a little worried because it wasn't time yet, and the doctor was thinking it'd be at least two more weeks until he made his appearance. Well, as you know my children just don't want to stay in for as long as their supposed to. I don't know what it is about these kids, they just can't wait to meet me! I talked to my doctor and she had me head to the hospital. I was dilated 5 centimeters and in labor. Having the sonogram just a few days ago showing he was taking practice breaths there was no reason to try and stop labor. I was hoping and praying to be one of those women who would have an easy fast birth. I'm not so lucky. His labor was long! Twenty four hours long. But then again I don't have much to compare too. The hours passed. Dilation seemed to stand still. I went some 7 hours stuck at 5 centimeters. They started medications and decided to break my waters. The minute she broke my water it started. I thought the contractions were bad before I was sadly mistaken. I was really set on having a natural birth, I was pretty bummed about having the meds, having my water broke and was going to at least stick with no epidural. Maybe five hours later I just couldn't handle it anymore. It was just too much. My doctor said you really should get the epidural because you're back to slow dilation again. I gave in, it was just too much. I was only draining myself and wouldn't be strong enough to deliver. I am glad I got the epidural. I was able to rest my body. My epidural started to slowly wear off and the nurse checked and I was ten centimeters dilated! Again, I think I'm so sort of super women. I'm going to push this baby with no problems. Wrong. Basically it's like trying to squeeze a watermelon though a key hole. After about 45 minutes, Christian Xavier was born at 2:02 pm on December 15, 2002. Weighing 7lbs 0ozs 22 1/2 inches long. With blonde hair, blue eyes, and screaming. That boy could whale. They placed him on my chest and any and everything in that room was blank. I was focused on Christian. I kissed him and kept him warm, and tried calming him down. He was so messy and I helped them clean him off. Then they whisked him away to be weighed and double checked, remember he's 4 weeks premature. If you remember in my blog about Nicholas all I was concerned about was how much he weighed. With Christian I kept asking for him back! He check out alright he had just a little trouble holding his body temperature, so they wrapped him up tight and I tucked him under my gown. He was just perfect all around. And such a good baby. He really didn't complain much. He didn't mind having a bath, or being changed, he liked to be naked actually. He didn't even cry when they pricked his heel for some blood before we went home!
We stayed at the hospital an extra day because after all he was early. But he definitely didn't act premature at all. He had plenty of visitors and the nurses raved at how wonderful of a baby he was. I was complemented on my age, how I didn't act 15 years old. Told me how they've had 30 year old women come no where close to me. That encouraged me. I had so many people insist I could not make it as a mother. There is just something about the birth of your child that you instantly know what to do. I had been around many of babies before Christian was born, and never knew half the things I knew until he was born. It was like information flooded into my head that very day.
They sent us home after 3 days and it was such a beautiful day. The sun was shinning on this chilly winter day. We had gotten a lot of snow in the time we'd been in the hospital. I remember putting this teeny baby in this huge snow suit. It didn't seem so big when I bought it! We packed our bags and off we went to start our journey as Mother and Son. When I stepped into my living room at home is when fear hit me. I was now alone (other than mom and dad), no nurses or doctors to call on when I need help or have a question.
Christian was a great sleeper, I took off his snow suit and laid him in his bassinet my parents had set up in the living room. While he slept I put all his things away and dirty laundry in the wash. He'd gotten lot's new clothes, toys and the hospital loaded us up with freebies :) I wanted to wake him up so bad, but I kept telling myself to never wake a sleeping baby. You guessed it I picked him up. He woke briefly and fell back to sleep, that boy loved to sleep! He woke up when he was hungry and needed cuddled. He never complained when he had a dirty diaper so we were always checking him. Christian is hands down the best baby I have had. He was and still is so laid back. He was happy to just sit and listen to me talk, loved to hear the hair dryer or sweeper running. Loved to take a bath and still does.
Our first night at home. It's funny how I remember this as if it happened yesterday. I was ready for bed and he was sleeping so I took him to our room and laid him in his crib. He slept a couple hours and woke up ready to eat, of course his days and nights are mixed. I'm paying for thinking how wonderful it is that he sleeps so well! Eventually he fell back to sleep, but the second I laid him in his crib he started to cry until I held him again. I thought oh no! He wants to be held all the time. That wasn't the case at all. He wanted to be on his belly. He wouldn't sleep on his back. I was a bundle of nerves because the hospital kept telling me "back to sleep" to prevent SIDS. So I kept waking every few minutes to listen for breathing and his scratching on the sheets.
He slept through the night at about a month old. Crawled early, walked late. He got his bottom two teeth first and rather his front two teeth he got his fangs. So for Halloween he was a vampire. Who would have thought 8 years ago he'd think vampires were cool and drags me to see the Twilight saga films. Christian is a great kid, a fantastic brother, he has a heart of gold, loves his family and friends, super smart, and handsome. He has a 4th-5th grade reading level and he is in 2nd grade! I'm so proud of him and I can't wait to see what he becomes, because I just know it will be something amazing. My only wish is to be able to go back to the day he was born and relive it even if it's just once. It is the very moment my life began. Oh and I would have taken more pictures :)
In the arms of an Angel
"An angel in the book of life, wrote down our babies birth, and whispered as she shut the book, too beautiful for earth" ~ Unknown
I wanted to write a blog about my precious Angel Stefanie. It's been almost two years since we lost her and it still feels like just yesterday. I don't think I've ever explained her birth and even though her time spent on earth was short, she impacted many lives.
Anthony and myself wanted (more) children since the minute we started dating. Myself already having a child was ready for another, and Anthony not having a child of his own was eager to start a family. We had decided two years before becoming pregnant with her that we would let God decide if we were ready to take the next step. For two long years we waited for the test to read positive, but it never happened. I was beginning to think something was wrong with one of us, or both.
I moved out of my parents house late October of 2008, it was so hectic. We did not get enough time to plan and nothing went the way it should have. After moving with Anthony I started to feel sick and sore. I blew it off as normal pains and nerves. I missed my period, but that wasn't unusual at all. Then something happened that made me think, take a pregnancy test. I coughed and got this feeling in my lower stomach as if someone stabbed me. If you've ever been pregnant you can relate to this feeling. If you haven't been I was feeling my muscles stretching making room for the baby. Took the test and it was positive! I was overcome with joy and a little worried because we had just decided it was a good idea to wait a little longer. Well, Stefanie had different plans!
I had a normal pregnancy with her. I didn't end up at the hospital for any problems, like I did with Christian a couple times and Nicholas. Christian's pregnancy was scary and as you've read in my post's was Nick's. I can say that her pregnancy was the best, other than she is the only baby who gave me horrible morning sickness on and off through my 32 weeks of being pregnant with her.
At 18 weeks we went for our gender sonogram. The tech was very adamant that she was a boy. She said without a doubt definitely a boy. We had no reason to not believe them. Even the doctor who read the sonogram agreed it was a boy. For months we planned for a Carter, bought all boy clothes, blankets and bedding. At 32 weeks they sent me for another sonogram to make sure "Carter" was growing properly. We went to a different hospital this time because they offered a 3D sonogram. We told the tech all about Carter and how we were happy to being having another boy. She did my sonogram and asked me how set I was for a Carter? I didn't answer and I knew what was coming next. She said I'm almost positive he is a she! Holy cow! What the heck did we get our selves into! She didn't say for sure, but that we should consider bringing some girl clothes to the hospital when I deliver. The next day I called my doctor (as instructed by the hospital after my sonogram) we went over the sonogram and the suppose gender. She said that she wanted me to go back because they had some trouble viewing the stomach, and he was probably in a bad position. She scheduled me for another sonogram in two days. We have our sonogram and Carter was really showing his or her parts! Definitely without a doubt 100% GIRL! Again holy cow! Now we have lot's of exchanging to do and new names it was really over whelming. But I was getting a girl, I could believe it.
The day of May 9th 2009 (two days after finding out it was a girl) was a pretty crappy day. I had been feeling poorly and spent the majority of the day relaxing between the couch and the computer chair. I updated my baby registry, went through some clothes, took pictures of the new girl outfits I had gotten and sent them to my mom. Picked out an outfit for her to wear home. She was due around the 4th of July, and I found a cute lady bug red white and blue dress. Anthony came home from work and we set out to do some more shopping and exchanging boy clothes. My dad asked us to come over for soup and sandwiches. We went to dads after shopping and he realized we should get some more buns for sandwiches. So me and Anthony headed up to shop and save and that's when light contractions hit me. I deemed them as braxton hicks, I had been having them here and there since around 26 weeks. In a matter of about a half hour they went from light contractions to stronger and closer together. I told Anthony I was glad to be having an appointment on Monday to talk to the doctor about these braxton hicks, they had never been this strong. As we were heading back to my dads I started timing my contractions, and feeling my belly to see if it was getting tighter. Contractions were about 8 minutes apart and my stomach was getting tight with each one. I decided to give Dr. Ciocca a call. He told me to head down to the hospital. I asked him it was okay for me to have a sandwich or two because I hadn't had dinner yet, and maybe that is why I'm feeling so crappy. He encouraged me to sit down and have some water and a light meal, if they didn't stop to head to the hospital. I did what he asked and nothing changed, so we headed down. On the drive down I wasn't really worried, I figured it was annoying braxton hicks. The closer we got to the hospital the closer and more painful contractions became. They threw me in a bed and started watching the baby and contractions. I was definitely and dilated two centimeters, I was in earl labor. They gave me some medication to stop the labor, and it did stop. I found it really odd that the nurse kept repositioning the heart monitors. Every time she'd find her, they monitor would read a low heart rate or no rate at all. They brought in two machines and both were reading the same results. She quickly left the room and called the doctor. He got there really quickly and read the results. He pointed out how the babies heart rate has "flat lined" several times, and they know it isn't a faulty machine. Then he said we need to deliver right away. I was concerned about being in a hospital without an NICU and asked if there was any way I'd make it to Pittsburgh, he said I was hoping that was going to be an option, but at this point there isn't enough time. Prepping for surgery was on now. Everyone scattered I called everyone to get down to the hospital now, baby is coming. I didn't mention what was happening. I didn't have time we had to get IV's started and in surgery. They called life flight and asked who our pediatrician would be. At this point I hadn't met the pediatrician who was coming, the one who we were going to go with wasn't apart of this hospital. They gave us a choice and once I heard Dr. Gehorge I didn't think twice. I had my doctor standing over me and another doctor who would be either putting me to sleep or giving me a spinal. He said he wanted me asleep, I said NO! Please, do not put me to sleep. Luckily my OB agreed I should be awake for this. I'm thankful I was because I couldn't imagine waking up to such news. We got into surgery. I kept waiting for a cry. Anthony was next to me, and a lot of time had passed and I said is she out? And he looked down at me and said she's been out for a while. That's when I knew. We'd been in surgery for a long time now, I haven't head a cry, and there was a doctor on speaker phone who asked is the mother awake? They said yes, she said get me off speaker NOW! I started praying harder, crying and begging God to save my little girl. I closed my eyes and prayed, I may have prayed out loud I'm really not sure. Then someone, I'm not really sure who. Held my hand and said Melissa, I'm sorry. We couldn't save her. I'm not sure what happened after that. I really don't remember. I only remember being handed my daughter. I remember when I was in recovery and when Pam walked into the room. I looked at her and said Mom, what do I do? I don't remember what she said. I think she said nothing. We passed her around the room to her family members. All whom have been waiting for her arrival for so long. She was so perfect, someone refereed to her as a baby doll, because she was that perfect. She had a head full of dark black curly hair, Anthony's tan skin, a cute little button nose and my lips. My dad asked what her name was? I looked at Anthony and said Stefanie, Stefanie Nicole. He said yes. My dad picked that name just a few days ago, and we liked it. My dad spent so much time with her. He carried her around just talking. He told her about everything. We all told her things. It was getting late and everyone was ready to head home, it had been too long of a night for everyone. It was time for them to rest, I'm sure they didn't. Anthony and I had asked everyone to give us some time alone with Stefanie. We needed to say goodbye alone. We laid in my bed, cuddled just us three, cried and prayed. I really wanted Christian there, but I didn't want him to remember his sister this way. Her body was cold and her lips were turning colors. He was only five and didn't need to experience this, I pray he never does. Everyone came back in our room and a nurse brought in a dress and some Holy Water and we baptized her. We sent her soul with the Lord and I know she is in the best home anyone could ever give her. I don't believe he took her away from me. She served her purpose in life and ended early, it was time to go home. I know she watches over her brothers and family. I know that some day I will get to hold her again. I'll be able to rock her and kiss her forehead again. I need to serve my purpose in life before I can do that. I want to end this blog with this: Take nothing for granted. Hug and kiss your babies often and always tell them you love them, sneak into their rooms at night and kiss their forehead, cover them up to make sure their warm, and whisper you love them. They hear you. Evey night I do this, and every night I will until they fly my nest. And even then I might break into their homes for one last kiss good night.
Thank you for reading my blog. Now we're the tissues :')
Stefanie weighed 3lbs 15ozs. Was born at 11:08 pm on May 9, 2009. At 32 weeks gestation.
To add. We aren't sure why she passed so suddenly. It is believed that her esophagus didn't form causing her to be unable to swallow any fluids, and flip over causing the cord to wrap around her neck. The came to this because after reading both sonograms they were unable to view her stomach.
I wanted to write a blog about my precious Angel Stefanie. It's been almost two years since we lost her and it still feels like just yesterday. I don't think I've ever explained her birth and even though her time spent on earth was short, she impacted many lives.
Anthony and myself wanted (more) children since the minute we started dating. Myself already having a child was ready for another, and Anthony not having a child of his own was eager to start a family. We had decided two years before becoming pregnant with her that we would let God decide if we were ready to take the next step. For two long years we waited for the test to read positive, but it never happened. I was beginning to think something was wrong with one of us, or both.
I moved out of my parents house late October of 2008, it was so hectic. We did not get enough time to plan and nothing went the way it should have. After moving with Anthony I started to feel sick and sore. I blew it off as normal pains and nerves. I missed my period, but that wasn't unusual at all. Then something happened that made me think, take a pregnancy test. I coughed and got this feeling in my lower stomach as if someone stabbed me. If you've ever been pregnant you can relate to this feeling. If you haven't been I was feeling my muscles stretching making room for the baby. Took the test and it was positive! I was overcome with joy and a little worried because we had just decided it was a good idea to wait a little longer. Well, Stefanie had different plans!
I had a normal pregnancy with her. I didn't end up at the hospital for any problems, like I did with Christian a couple times and Nicholas. Christian's pregnancy was scary and as you've read in my post's was Nick's. I can say that her pregnancy was the best, other than she is the only baby who gave me horrible morning sickness on and off through my 32 weeks of being pregnant with her.
At 18 weeks we went for our gender sonogram. The tech was very adamant that she was a boy. She said without a doubt definitely a boy. We had no reason to not believe them. Even the doctor who read the sonogram agreed it was a boy. For months we planned for a Carter, bought all boy clothes, blankets and bedding. At 32 weeks they sent me for another sonogram to make sure "Carter" was growing properly. We went to a different hospital this time because they offered a 3D sonogram. We told the tech all about Carter and how we were happy to being having another boy. She did my sonogram and asked me how set I was for a Carter? I didn't answer and I knew what was coming next. She said I'm almost positive he is a she! Holy cow! What the heck did we get our selves into! She didn't say for sure, but that we should consider bringing some girl clothes to the hospital when I deliver. The next day I called my doctor (as instructed by the hospital after my sonogram) we went over the sonogram and the suppose gender. She said that she wanted me to go back because they had some trouble viewing the stomach, and he was probably in a bad position. She scheduled me for another sonogram in two days. We have our sonogram and Carter was really showing his or her parts! Definitely without a doubt 100% GIRL! Again holy cow! Now we have lot's of exchanging to do and new names it was really over whelming. But I was getting a girl, I could believe it.
The day of May 9th 2009 (two days after finding out it was a girl) was a pretty crappy day. I had been feeling poorly and spent the majority of the day relaxing between the couch and the computer chair. I updated my baby registry, went through some clothes, took pictures of the new girl outfits I had gotten and sent them to my mom. Picked out an outfit for her to wear home. She was due around the 4th of July, and I found a cute lady bug red white and blue dress. Anthony came home from work and we set out to do some more shopping and exchanging boy clothes. My dad asked us to come over for soup and sandwiches. We went to dads after shopping and he realized we should get some more buns for sandwiches. So me and Anthony headed up to shop and save and that's when light contractions hit me. I deemed them as braxton hicks, I had been having them here and there since around 26 weeks. In a matter of about a half hour they went from light contractions to stronger and closer together. I told Anthony I was glad to be having an appointment on Monday to talk to the doctor about these braxton hicks, they had never been this strong. As we were heading back to my dads I started timing my contractions, and feeling my belly to see if it was getting tighter. Contractions were about 8 minutes apart and my stomach was getting tight with each one. I decided to give Dr. Ciocca a call. He told me to head down to the hospital. I asked him it was okay for me to have a sandwich or two because I hadn't had dinner yet, and maybe that is why I'm feeling so crappy. He encouraged me to sit down and have some water and a light meal, if they didn't stop to head to the hospital. I did what he asked and nothing changed, so we headed down. On the drive down I wasn't really worried, I figured it was annoying braxton hicks. The closer we got to the hospital the closer and more painful contractions became. They threw me in a bed and started watching the baby and contractions. I was definitely and dilated two centimeters, I was in earl labor. They gave me some medication to stop the labor, and it did stop. I found it really odd that the nurse kept repositioning the heart monitors. Every time she'd find her, they monitor would read a low heart rate or no rate at all. They brought in two machines and both were reading the same results. She quickly left the room and called the doctor. He got there really quickly and read the results. He pointed out how the babies heart rate has "flat lined" several times, and they know it isn't a faulty machine. Then he said we need to deliver right away. I was concerned about being in a hospital without an NICU and asked if there was any way I'd make it to Pittsburgh, he said I was hoping that was going to be an option, but at this point there isn't enough time. Prepping for surgery was on now. Everyone scattered I called everyone to get down to the hospital now, baby is coming. I didn't mention what was happening. I didn't have time we had to get IV's started and in surgery. They called life flight and asked who our pediatrician would be. At this point I hadn't met the pediatrician who was coming, the one who we were going to go with wasn't apart of this hospital. They gave us a choice and once I heard Dr. Gehorge I didn't think twice. I had my doctor standing over me and another doctor who would be either putting me to sleep or giving me a spinal. He said he wanted me asleep, I said NO! Please, do not put me to sleep. Luckily my OB agreed I should be awake for this. I'm thankful I was because I couldn't imagine waking up to such news. We got into surgery. I kept waiting for a cry. Anthony was next to me, and a lot of time had passed and I said is she out? And he looked down at me and said she's been out for a while. That's when I knew. We'd been in surgery for a long time now, I haven't head a cry, and there was a doctor on speaker phone who asked is the mother awake? They said yes, she said get me off speaker NOW! I started praying harder, crying and begging God to save my little girl. I closed my eyes and prayed, I may have prayed out loud I'm really not sure. Then someone, I'm not really sure who. Held my hand and said Melissa, I'm sorry. We couldn't save her. I'm not sure what happened after that. I really don't remember. I only remember being handed my daughter. I remember when I was in recovery and when Pam walked into the room. I looked at her and said Mom, what do I do? I don't remember what she said. I think she said nothing. We passed her around the room to her family members. All whom have been waiting for her arrival for so long. She was so perfect, someone refereed to her as a baby doll, because she was that perfect. She had a head full of dark black curly hair, Anthony's tan skin, a cute little button nose and my lips. My dad asked what her name was? I looked at Anthony and said Stefanie, Stefanie Nicole. He said yes. My dad picked that name just a few days ago, and we liked it. My dad spent so much time with her. He carried her around just talking. He told her about everything. We all told her things. It was getting late and everyone was ready to head home, it had been too long of a night for everyone. It was time for them to rest, I'm sure they didn't. Anthony and I had asked everyone to give us some time alone with Stefanie. We needed to say goodbye alone. We laid in my bed, cuddled just us three, cried and prayed. I really wanted Christian there, but I didn't want him to remember his sister this way. Her body was cold and her lips were turning colors. He was only five and didn't need to experience this, I pray he never does. Everyone came back in our room and a nurse brought in a dress and some Holy Water and we baptized her. We sent her soul with the Lord and I know she is in the best home anyone could ever give her. I don't believe he took her away from me. She served her purpose in life and ended early, it was time to go home. I know she watches over her brothers and family. I know that some day I will get to hold her again. I'll be able to rock her and kiss her forehead again. I need to serve my purpose in life before I can do that. I want to end this blog with this: Take nothing for granted. Hug and kiss your babies often and always tell them you love them, sneak into their rooms at night and kiss their forehead, cover them up to make sure their warm, and whisper you love them. They hear you. Evey night I do this, and every night I will until they fly my nest. And even then I might break into their homes for one last kiss good night.
Thank you for reading my blog. Now we're the tissues :')
Stefanie weighed 3lbs 15ozs. Was born at 11:08 pm on May 9, 2009. At 32 weeks gestation.
To add. We aren't sure why she passed so suddenly. It is believed that her esophagus didn't form causing her to be unable to swallow any fluids, and flip over causing the cord to wrap around her neck. The came to this because after reading both sonograms they were unable to view her stomach.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Famous lines!
January 2011
I find that when I tell people about Nick's brittle bone disease I get asked the same questions. They are as follows:
Will he grow out of it? Sadly no he won't grow out of it. OI is a genetic disease meaning he has genes in his gene pool that have mutated. This something that happened probably at the second of conception. Nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.
What do they do for that? We have to be really careful, teach him to be really careful. Physical therapy. You get the idea.
Does he get enough calcium? Actually, calcium has nothing to do with it. It's collagen that his body lacks. The link will better describe.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osteogenesis_imperfecta
I find that when I tell people about Nick's brittle bone disease I get asked the same questions. They are as follows:
Will he grow out of it? Sadly no he won't grow out of it. OI is a genetic disease meaning he has genes in his gene pool that have mutated. This something that happened probably at the second of conception. Nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.
What do they do for that? We have to be really careful, teach him to be really careful. Physical therapy. You get the idea.
Does he get enough calcium? Actually, calcium has nothing to do with it. It's collagen that his body lacks. The link will better describe.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osteogenesis_imperfecta
One day at a time!
Want to add that this blog is happening backwards until I can write up to the present day.
November 2010
Now that we know what is going on with Nicholas it was time to start figuring out how to treat him. There is no cure for brittle bone disease, but there are things we can do to prevent breaks and give him pain management. I mentioned medications in my last post and careful handling. I'll explain how we do some things for Nicholas.
First and foremost, we never ever pull or push on his arms. Which make changing diapers nearly impossible, especially poppie ones. Most people lift baby up by their ankles to slide a clean diaper under their butts, as well as wiping (normal babies break too!). We roll Nick onto his side to wipe him. This was when he was 3 months old, he is now 7 months old and loves to eat his feet so he pretty much lifts himself. Which has made diaper changes so much better! We encourage him to "eat" his toes to make it easier. But sometimes he can be so stubborn and we have to go back to rolling to his side. This is usually in the middle of the night or early morning when he wants to eat and not be bothered with being changed. Well Mr. Nicholas I don't want to be doing this at 3:00 in the morning either so let's do each other a favor and get it over as quickly as possible! I tell him this all the time, he never listens :-p
Changing and putting clothes on. UGH! That's a job! When he was 3 months old it was simple. Rule of thumb don't pull his arms through don't force them though.
Picking him up was really difficult for a while because I was so scared I'd put too much pressure on his clavicle or his ribs. But to my surprise we made it pretty easy to wrap our hands and fingers away from those areas and have a good hold on him.
I'm often reminded he isn't made of paper. My response to that is. What is wrong with being just a little extra cautious? Nothing in my opinion. If we can be really careful we can prevent breaks! It's what I've been stressing for months. He may not be as "bad", but should we really be chancing that? If we're going to have another break I want him to be old enough to talk and be able to explain how it happened. I cannot and will not go though the pain and torture we went though while finding out.
December 2, 2010
We head to Children's hospital to see a Genetic doctor. They diagnose Nick with type one OI. We're some what relieved to find out it's type one, because some of the other types are really bad. We go over medications, physical therapy and any questions we had. They were happy to see how we made our own little routine for changing, dressing and handling Nicholas. Basically we're doing exactly what we should be. He could start physical therapy when he gets a little older, and we could do some water therapy at home. Which we started doing at around 5 months when he was able to hold up his own head. They gave us a note to carry around in our bags explaining that Nicholas has OI and could fracture. I made several copies and keep them in every single bag I take with me. Purse, wallet, diaper bag, car and a copy at my parents. I will never risk children and youth services in our lives again. While we're there we went over both Anthony and myself family history. I have never broken a bone and Anthony has broken several. If you have ever noticed Nicholas' eyes you'll see that around the pupil is blueish gray instead of white. That is a sign of brittle bone disease. Well Anthony's eyes have the same color, Anthony's is much lighter. With Anthony's break history and the color in his eyes they felt very strongly that he has OI. That wasn't a shock because we almost expected it because of his break history. Brittle bone disease is genetic and Anthony is likely the carrier. We are still awaiting results.
Rest of 2010.
Christian's 8th birthday, Christmas, New years. The year ended well. The boys had a great Christmas and we brought in the New Year in style. Twenty eleven is a new beginning for us.
"Soon you will walk into the sunset as if nothing has ever happened" quote from Pam. I think about it all the time. It got me though those hard days when we weren't sure if we'd have a family tomorrow. And we are walking into the sunset as if nothing has ever happened. As time has gone on I go some days without even thinking about that horrible moment in our lives. I'm getting over it, I'm not scared that every knock at the door is the caseworker. We take it "one day at a time" another Pam quote.
November 2010
Now that we know what is going on with Nicholas it was time to start figuring out how to treat him. There is no cure for brittle bone disease, but there are things we can do to prevent breaks and give him pain management. I mentioned medications in my last post and careful handling. I'll explain how we do some things for Nicholas.
First and foremost, we never ever pull or push on his arms. Which make changing diapers nearly impossible, especially poppie ones. Most people lift baby up by their ankles to slide a clean diaper under their butts, as well as wiping (normal babies break too!). We roll Nick onto his side to wipe him. This was when he was 3 months old, he is now 7 months old and loves to eat his feet so he pretty much lifts himself. Which has made diaper changes so much better! We encourage him to "eat" his toes to make it easier. But sometimes he can be so stubborn and we have to go back to rolling to his side. This is usually in the middle of the night or early morning when he wants to eat and not be bothered with being changed. Well Mr. Nicholas I don't want to be doing this at 3:00 in the morning either so let's do each other a favor and get it over as quickly as possible! I tell him this all the time, he never listens :-p
Changing and putting clothes on. UGH! That's a job! When he was 3 months old it was simple. Rule of thumb don't pull his arms through don't force them though.
Picking him up was really difficult for a while because I was so scared I'd put too much pressure on his clavicle or his ribs. But to my surprise we made it pretty easy to wrap our hands and fingers away from those areas and have a good hold on him.
I'm often reminded he isn't made of paper. My response to that is. What is wrong with being just a little extra cautious? Nothing in my opinion. If we can be really careful we can prevent breaks! It's what I've been stressing for months. He may not be as "bad", but should we really be chancing that? If we're going to have another break I want him to be old enough to talk and be able to explain how it happened. I cannot and will not go though the pain and torture we went though while finding out.
December 2, 2010
We head to Children's hospital to see a Genetic doctor. They diagnose Nick with type one OI. We're some what relieved to find out it's type one, because some of the other types are really bad. We go over medications, physical therapy and any questions we had. They were happy to see how we made our own little routine for changing, dressing and handling Nicholas. Basically we're doing exactly what we should be. He could start physical therapy when he gets a little older, and we could do some water therapy at home. Which we started doing at around 5 months when he was able to hold up his own head. They gave us a note to carry around in our bags explaining that Nicholas has OI and could fracture. I made several copies and keep them in every single bag I take with me. Purse, wallet, diaper bag, car and a copy at my parents. I will never risk children and youth services in our lives again. While we're there we went over both Anthony and myself family history. I have never broken a bone and Anthony has broken several. If you have ever noticed Nicholas' eyes you'll see that around the pupil is blueish gray instead of white. That is a sign of brittle bone disease. Well Anthony's eyes have the same color, Anthony's is much lighter. With Anthony's break history and the color in his eyes they felt very strongly that he has OI. That wasn't a shock because we almost expected it because of his break history. Brittle bone disease is genetic and Anthony is likely the carrier. We are still awaiting results.
Rest of 2010.
Christian's 8th birthday, Christmas, New years. The year ended well. The boys had a great Christmas and we brought in the New Year in style. Twenty eleven is a new beginning for us.
"Soon you will walk into the sunset as if nothing has ever happened" quote from Pam. I think about it all the time. It got me though those hard days when we weren't sure if we'd have a family tomorrow. And we are walking into the sunset as if nothing has ever happened. As time has gone on I go some days without even thinking about that horrible moment in our lives. I'm getting over it, I'm not scared that every knock at the door is the caseworker. We take it "one day at a time" another Pam quote.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The untold story
Everything still normal. Baby Nicholas still colic (we thought). Christian was back to school and Anthony had taken a week vacation from work.
October 7, 2010
I woke up to a screaming baby. This wasn't his normal I'm hungry cry, he was in pain of some sort. I tried some gas meds and a little Tylenol. Eventually he fell back to sleep, but was waking every half hour or so. What a long night! Morning came and Nick seemed to be in a much better mood. Got Christian ready and off to school. That is when I realized something is wrong with Nicholas. He wasn't lifting his left arm, and when I lifted it he was screaming. I called on Anthony and showed him what was happening. He didn't think anything was wrong, and said maybe he's stiff? I didn't like the looks of it. His collar bone was swollen and pinkish. I decided to give a call to the doctor. They said bring him in an hour. They decided to go ahead with his appointment he had for next week that day, so he got some shots while we were there. The doctor was as concerned as we were. And suggested we have an x-ray taken. He told me to not worry. Our pediatrician is fantastic and knows us very well, and knows we're worry warts. He said you can go to Ellwood since Nick was delivered there. We also wanted to grab lunch at Vinny's, so we headed down.
Took the x-rays and they said it would take about an hour and had us wait. We waited and a nurse came back and told me Nicholas had a fractured clavicle (collar bone)! We were flabbergasted! They wanted us to go into the emergency room. Went in and a few minutes later a very arrogant doctor walked in. He explained what the x-rays were showing. Not only did Nicholas have a fractured clavicle, but his femurs and humerus look as if they were previously fractured. I remember looking at him saying oh my God. Then he said. I will have to file a report with children and youth services, a two and a half month old baby cannot break his bones on his own. Obviously a two and a half month old baby cannot, but there is no way someone is hurting this child. He thought differently. He was very rude from the beginning. Asked me very silly questions. Nicholas has always had reddish eyelids and the veins in his cheeks show. He wanted to know how that happened? It didn't happen, it's always been that way. Nick was also born with a muscle deformed in his bottom lip. When he cries one side droops and the other doesn't. He wanted to know how that happened? Well, your the medical professional shouldn't you know what that is? Anyhow, I'm panicking now. I called my other mum and dad. She came down right away. At this point CYS had already been there questioning us. They even agreed that there was no way Nick was being abused. Nick's doctor came in and he said no signs of abuse. Their office was just flabbergasted as well. I had enough of these accusations and said I want a second opinion. Again with the arrogant doctor he told me that I could not have a second opinion and x-rays don't lie. I said but you do! I'm leaving! Where do you think your going to take him? I said Children's hospital. CYS agreed that was a good idea, but Nick could not come home with us! WHAT?!?! He had to go home with Pam (other mum). They made a gentlemen agreement and we left. It was late that night and we all agreed to go in the morning.
10-8-2010
We make arrangements for someone to get Christian from school drop and head straight to Pittsburgh. Mum came along she just had to, I couldn't handle it alone. She is very strong and doesn't take much bull crap! We got there and explained what was happening. The first thing the attending doctor noticed was the color of Nicholas' eyes. What is supposed to be white around the pupils are grayish blue. A sign of a rare disease called Osteogenesis imprefecta or brittle bone disease. They run Nick though a series of tests including cat scans and several x-rays. Cat scan was completely clear ruling out shaken baby syndrome (duh I could have told them that). X-rays showed fractures in the clavicle possible fractures of the humerus and femurs. They wanted to take a DNA sample to test him for Osteogenesis imprefecta, except it will take four to six weeks to return.
10-12-2010
Nick still with Pam. We're all torn apart. There is just no way someone is hurting this baby. Something is seriously wrong. We have an answer to why he was always crying, his bones hurt. He has the signs of OI. We just have to pray the science is in our favor. We scheduled a meeting with the CYS caseworker. We wanted Nicholas home. If anyone has ever dealt with CYS you will know that they are never truthful and always misleading. They tell you what you want to hear. We learned quickly to never believe them. Back to our meeting. The caseworker came with her 'supervisor' in tow. And a police detective!!!! Oh my god! They wanted to speak to Anthony and myself, mainly Anthony. They viewed him as a loose cannon because he blew up on a caseworker, how couldn't he? He was being accused! At this point we had done so much research on OI and another condition called Temporary brittle bone disease. We spoke to the detective with Pam for a few minutes. Explaining our findings and what we believe is going on. He insulted my cousin by asking her what her medical back ground was? She said nothing, but the internet. So he called her a medical expert wannabe! That is so not the case! We aren't wannabe's we're trying to figure out what is wrong with our baby! We spoke to the detective agreed to take the polygraph tests. Not too soon later there was a knock at the door. It was the CYS caseworker another supervisor and a state police officer. With an order to place Nicholas in protective custody. I fell to the ground I said this cannot be happening. I ran to Nick I wanted to hide with him. The caseworker said 'Melissa don't make me arrest you, hand him over' I didn't. The police officer took his cuffs out and said please don't make me do this. I handed him over. She didn't care when the last time he ate was, what he ate, what he could be allergic to, or did she care that he was fragile. They ran out and I lost it. I screamed laying on the floor, I wanted to be dead. But I had to fight for my rights and my son's rights. I called our close friend who happens to be a lawyer. We were to be in court in 72 hours. We ran to Christians school. I had to protect him at all costs. I had a feeling they were heading after him next. Thankfully they weren't. They left him alone during the whole process, thank God. He is my rock!
10-14-2010
The morning of our hearing to decided where Nick will go. Home with us or with family. Our lawyer went in and came out a few minutes later and told us. They would drop all the charges IF we agreed to take parenting classes (WHAT) and Antony have a mental health evaluation. This isn't a laughing matter at this point, but everyone had to chuckle at these ridiculous orders. The teacher told me I could teach the class! And when Anthony went for his 'evaluation' they asked him why he was there, he did not need an evaluation! CYS was not happy to hear this! Back to the court hearing. After a few weeks of classes Nick could come home and it's over. Except they wouldn't allow him with Pam. They did not like her since she stood up for her family. But since our lawyer is a great friend of our family he and his wife said they'd take him, and allowed me to stay with Nick every night.
The weeks pass. CYS doesn't trust our lawyer anymore, and said they will decide when Nick can return home. And just to put a damper on us they make us wait for test results.
11-8-2010
Four weeks pass. We have had enough. We're appealing! Back to court again. This time we won! Nick was sent home with us!
11- 15-2010
A week later the DNA test results came back. Nicholas tested positive for OI (brittle bone disease) he had a mutation in two genes. He was diagnosed with OI type one. The science proved our innocence. The case was dropped and closed. There was nothing more they could do. This disease causes bones to be brittle and break easily. Some people sneeze and fracture a rib.
This is the first time I have let this story out. Only few people knew. I want to write about my ordeal for people who are battling with children and youth services. This happens to so many families with OI. It's very common. Sadly we have to go through this to find out. It was the second most horrible thing to happen in my life. I thank the Lord daily for my family. He got me though the most of it, the power of prayer is amazing! As for how we handle Nick's brittle bones. Obviously being very careful and seeing the proper doctors is what he needs. We hope to start him on a medication called pamidroate. It will be used to make his bones stronger and to provide pain relief. I will continue to write more blogs about my family like I promised. Thank you for reading.
October 7, 2010
I woke up to a screaming baby. This wasn't his normal I'm hungry cry, he was in pain of some sort. I tried some gas meds and a little Tylenol. Eventually he fell back to sleep, but was waking every half hour or so. What a long night! Morning came and Nick seemed to be in a much better mood. Got Christian ready and off to school. That is when I realized something is wrong with Nicholas. He wasn't lifting his left arm, and when I lifted it he was screaming. I called on Anthony and showed him what was happening. He didn't think anything was wrong, and said maybe he's stiff? I didn't like the looks of it. His collar bone was swollen and pinkish. I decided to give a call to the doctor. They said bring him in an hour. They decided to go ahead with his appointment he had for next week that day, so he got some shots while we were there. The doctor was as concerned as we were. And suggested we have an x-ray taken. He told me to not worry. Our pediatrician is fantastic and knows us very well, and knows we're worry warts. He said you can go to Ellwood since Nick was delivered there. We also wanted to grab lunch at Vinny's, so we headed down.
Took the x-rays and they said it would take about an hour and had us wait. We waited and a nurse came back and told me Nicholas had a fractured clavicle (collar bone)! We were flabbergasted! They wanted us to go into the emergency room. Went in and a few minutes later a very arrogant doctor walked in. He explained what the x-rays were showing. Not only did Nicholas have a fractured clavicle, but his femurs and humerus look as if they were previously fractured. I remember looking at him saying oh my God. Then he said. I will have to file a report with children and youth services, a two and a half month old baby cannot break his bones on his own. Obviously a two and a half month old baby cannot, but there is no way someone is hurting this child. He thought differently. He was very rude from the beginning. Asked me very silly questions. Nicholas has always had reddish eyelids and the veins in his cheeks show. He wanted to know how that happened? It didn't happen, it's always been that way. Nick was also born with a muscle deformed in his bottom lip. When he cries one side droops and the other doesn't. He wanted to know how that happened? Well, your the medical professional shouldn't you know what that is? Anyhow, I'm panicking now. I called my other mum and dad. She came down right away. At this point CYS had already been there questioning us. They even agreed that there was no way Nick was being abused. Nick's doctor came in and he said no signs of abuse. Their office was just flabbergasted as well. I had enough of these accusations and said I want a second opinion. Again with the arrogant doctor he told me that I could not have a second opinion and x-rays don't lie. I said but you do! I'm leaving! Where do you think your going to take him? I said Children's hospital. CYS agreed that was a good idea, but Nick could not come home with us! WHAT?!?! He had to go home with Pam (other mum). They made a gentlemen agreement and we left. It was late that night and we all agreed to go in the morning.
10-8-2010
We make arrangements for someone to get Christian from school drop and head straight to Pittsburgh. Mum came along she just had to, I couldn't handle it alone. She is very strong and doesn't take much bull crap! We got there and explained what was happening. The first thing the attending doctor noticed was the color of Nicholas' eyes. What is supposed to be white around the pupils are grayish blue. A sign of a rare disease called Osteogenesis imprefecta or brittle bone disease. They run Nick though a series of tests including cat scans and several x-rays. Cat scan was completely clear ruling out shaken baby syndrome (duh I could have told them that). X-rays showed fractures in the clavicle possible fractures of the humerus and femurs. They wanted to take a DNA sample to test him for Osteogenesis imprefecta, except it will take four to six weeks to return.
10-12-2010
Nick still with Pam. We're all torn apart. There is just no way someone is hurting this baby. Something is seriously wrong. We have an answer to why he was always crying, his bones hurt. He has the signs of OI. We just have to pray the science is in our favor. We scheduled a meeting with the CYS caseworker. We wanted Nicholas home. If anyone has ever dealt with CYS you will know that they are never truthful and always misleading. They tell you what you want to hear. We learned quickly to never believe them. Back to our meeting. The caseworker came with her 'supervisor' in tow. And a police detective!!!! Oh my god! They wanted to speak to Anthony and myself, mainly Anthony. They viewed him as a loose cannon because he blew up on a caseworker, how couldn't he? He was being accused! At this point we had done so much research on OI and another condition called Temporary brittle bone disease. We spoke to the detective with Pam for a few minutes. Explaining our findings and what we believe is going on. He insulted my cousin by asking her what her medical back ground was? She said nothing, but the internet. So he called her a medical expert wannabe! That is so not the case! We aren't wannabe's we're trying to figure out what is wrong with our baby! We spoke to the detective agreed to take the polygraph tests. Not too soon later there was a knock at the door. It was the CYS caseworker another supervisor and a state police officer. With an order to place Nicholas in protective custody. I fell to the ground I said this cannot be happening. I ran to Nick I wanted to hide with him. The caseworker said 'Melissa don't make me arrest you, hand him over' I didn't. The police officer took his cuffs out and said please don't make me do this. I handed him over. She didn't care when the last time he ate was, what he ate, what he could be allergic to, or did she care that he was fragile. They ran out and I lost it. I screamed laying on the floor, I wanted to be dead. But I had to fight for my rights and my son's rights. I called our close friend who happens to be a lawyer. We were to be in court in 72 hours. We ran to Christians school. I had to protect him at all costs. I had a feeling they were heading after him next. Thankfully they weren't. They left him alone during the whole process, thank God. He is my rock!
10-14-2010
The morning of our hearing to decided where Nick will go. Home with us or with family. Our lawyer went in and came out a few minutes later and told us. They would drop all the charges IF we agreed to take parenting classes (WHAT) and Antony have a mental health evaluation. This isn't a laughing matter at this point, but everyone had to chuckle at these ridiculous orders. The teacher told me I could teach the class! And when Anthony went for his 'evaluation' they asked him why he was there, he did not need an evaluation! CYS was not happy to hear this! Back to the court hearing. After a few weeks of classes Nick could come home and it's over. Except they wouldn't allow him with Pam. They did not like her since she stood up for her family. But since our lawyer is a great friend of our family he and his wife said they'd take him, and allowed me to stay with Nick every night.
The weeks pass. CYS doesn't trust our lawyer anymore, and said they will decide when Nick can return home. And just to put a damper on us they make us wait for test results.
11-8-2010
Four weeks pass. We have had enough. We're appealing! Back to court again. This time we won! Nick was sent home with us!
11- 15-2010
A week later the DNA test results came back. Nicholas tested positive for OI (brittle bone disease) he had a mutation in two genes. He was diagnosed with OI type one. The science proved our innocence. The case was dropped and closed. There was nothing more they could do. This disease causes bones to be brittle and break easily. Some people sneeze and fracture a rib.
This is the first time I have let this story out. Only few people knew. I want to write about my ordeal for people who are battling with children and youth services. This happens to so many families with OI. It's very common. Sadly we have to go through this to find out. It was the second most horrible thing to happen in my life. I thank the Lord daily for my family. He got me though the most of it, the power of prayer is amazing! As for how we handle Nick's brittle bones. Obviously being very careful and seeing the proper doctors is what he needs. We hope to start him on a medication called pamidroate. It will be used to make his bones stronger and to provide pain relief. I will continue to write more blogs about my family like I promised. Thank you for reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)