When I'm feeling lost, worried or upset I often turn to someone to talk to. I can't always find that person who is willing to listen. It's not that they don't want to, it's just they don't have the time. I sometimes feel like I'm being a bother. But the truth is I hurt. In just a few days we'll be celebrating what would be Stefanie's third birthday. I guess we're not really celebrating, as we're morning her death. It leaves me feeling so empty. My arms still ache, my heart still pounds at the very thought of the day we said goodbye and I watched them walk away with her. I can still feel her skin and the smell of her hair. Even the blankets still have the new baby smell. I love that smell. Such a sweet smell, it's indescribable. I almost never wanted to wash my newborn's hair. One thing that has always hit me was the sound of a helicopter. As I laid there waiting to hear a cry, I could hear the helicopter landing. Thinking okay they're here, they're going to get her to a better hospital. Everything is going to be alright. But nobody had the look of "alright". Sometimes when I hear a helicopter I get kind of teary eyed, I wonder if the person is going to be alright, or if it's someones baby. I think many people can relate to that sound. I remember my mum telling me a story about it once, when I told her how I feel when I see or hear one.
As I sit here thinking of the words to write my heart beats faster, I have thoughts going in each direction. I'm trying to keep the tears from flowing. I hate this feeling. I've had a head ache everyday for the past three days. At first I blamed the sudden change in weather, but I think it's stress.
Every single day I wake up knowing I'm missing one less person. I can't do anything about it, I have to just keep going. I remember people telling me it would get easier, and it has gotten easier. It still feels like a fresh cut. It's starting to heal. I sometimes wish there were more understanding people. And that is what brings me to when I feel I'm becoming a bother. Sometimes I get the feeling of being pushed away. And I don't think the person is trying to push me away, as they don't know what to say. I'm not really looking for any words in specific, mostly just a shoulder to cry on. Reminds me of this Poem:
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I don't know who wrote it. My good friend Tyann tagged me in this post a couple years ago. She may not know this, but I read it often. I also like to think her daughter and Stefanie are best of friends. Just as their mommies are on earth. Unlike some people Tyann understands everything I write or have to say. As well as my other fellow momma loss good friend, Megan. They both often know the perfect thing to say that helps me get through this. It helps these "shoes" better to walk in. Also for my "other mom" she's never been there, but she knows what to do and say.
I'm reading over what I'm writing and it doesn't sound perfect it's a lot of jumble. But that is the rate of my brain racing right now. I have been short with everyone lately. I don't mean to be. I've turned people away who want to listen. So this is my public apology to anyone that I've been rude to or given the cold shoulder to in these past few days. I am truly sorry.
I have learned something in these past few years. That no matter what the sun still rises and sets everyday as if nothing ever happened. People still go on with their lives as I was told they would. And I have been able to move on with my life, as they said I would. I'm grateful for everything I have and every single person in my life.
There was a part of today that made me suddenly stop! I got so flustered and just lost my train of thought. I thought oh my God, what's today's date?! Did I miss it? Please tell me it's not the 9th and I missed her birthday! It was like I slammed into brick wall! I've been so consumed in worrying about everything going on, what we're going to do that day, not to forget to get balloons for our memorial launch. I quickly grabbed my phone and was relieved it was only the 4th. I don't know what made me suddenly think it's the 9th or past the 9th. It was strange!
Now that the weather is changing we're able to spend more time outside. Which I just love!! Nicholas is talking more and has become more independent and it's a pleasure to have a toddler around. Christian is growing at such a fast rate! He told me yesterday he think he needs deodorant LOL! He even made me smell him!!! I'm happy to report he hasn't hit that stage yet and I believe he must have been smelling someone else, because it was not him lol. He is ready to grow up. But luckily for me it will be a few more years before any of this happens!!! Both the boys are doing well, Nick has been fracture free since March, no jinx!!! Chris will have some dental work next month to fix a defective tooth, they said it's likely it didn't form correctly. They're going to try and save it and hopefully avoid a root canal, I hope. That would require surgery and he's never gone under before, so it will have me a bit nervous. It's never easy to hand your baby over for surgeries. Neither of my boys have ever had any sort of major surgeries, but I've had to hand them over a few times for serious tests. It's a very tense sit and wait. Fingers crossed all goes well and we leave happy.
As I was hoping I'd feel better after writing a blog and what do you know, it worked! I often tell people to blog it's so easy and helps get things off your shoulders. Anyhow, thanks for reading my rant and helping me feel better! Remember Sunday (May 6th) is Wishbone Day. Wear yellow to support Nick and everyone living with OI. Also, tag or text me a picture of you wearing yellow :)
With love, Melissa.
